It’s been a month since I have posted here, and I have beat myself up almost every day for not posting. Ugh. Such non-loving behaviour toward myself, I need to have a sit down with my Inner Critic.
Things have been squirrelly, my daughter was sick with a low-grade fever for all of January and had her tonsils and adenoids out and tubes put in her ears (aka The Works) at the end of the month. We hope that this will be the end of 18 months of chronic sickness, double ear infections and rounds and rounds of antibiotics. She went back to school yesterday with the remnants of a cold, but so excited to see her friends and teachers.
I can’t write when she is home (unmedicated ADHD brain) and I am too tired to form sentences by the time she goes to bed. I need silence to write. I need a clear head. And I need to stop berating myself for having these needs. They are not good needs, nor bad needs, they are just my needs.
All month I listened to my Inner Critic and instead of seeing what was really bothering me and reassuring my Critic it was only a month, I immediately jumped into THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU mode.
“Why can’t you write with her home? Why can’t you write at night? You are just lazy.”
“Why are you overwhelmed? God, get a grip! Millions of people all over the world are going through much worse. You are spoiled and selfish.”
“You shouldn’t even want to write when your child is sick. You shouldn’t want time for yourself. What is wrong with you?”
I do not even want to estimate how many times thoughts like these went through my head. So I felt badly about myself constantly, and I binged to dull the pain.
I looked after my girl and I kept up with my mediumship classes but that was all. And looking back, that was more than enough. Why couldn’t I see that clearly just a few short days ago?
It’s been a long month of illness and recovery but we made it through, and in the future, it will just be a tiny blip in our story. If I could do it again, I would do it with so much more compassion and understanding for myself.
Peace and love to you, and to myself.