I’ve been on a journey, perhaps a spiritual one, definitely a soulful one for the past 2 years. A lot of it has been hard.
I did not even know that I had numbed myself for 20 years. I used lots of different ways to numb myself, to get away from feelings – mine and the ones I could feel from other people. I did not understand why I felt everything so intensely, all I knew was that there was something wrong with me.
Waking myself back up has been both incredibly liberating and incredibly painful. Every emotion was overwhelming. Why did I feel other people’s anger and sadness in my bones? What do I do with all of this noise in my head?
For the past year, I’ve been supported by therapists and coaches, who have helped me realize that maybe I wasn’t all of those labels, but that I was a HSP and an Empath. I learned that numbing is never the answer, stuff will always bubble up, even when you push it down for years. I felt raw, with my freshly exposed, emotional skin.
Now new patterns have replaced old ones. New thoughts help me be more loving and accepting of myself. Knowledge has strengthened me and continues to supply endorphins daily. I’ve been embraced by a new community of people just like me, which makes me tear up just thinking about it. There is nothing wrong with me, at all.
A noticeable shift happened a few nights ago, my husband came home late from work, hungry, tired and still had a ton of work still to do before a midnight deadline. In the past, this would have left me sucking in his frustrations and anger like a vacuum, feeling physically ill. I would be stressed and angry and not know where to direct it, so I would try and numb it with food, with checking out. I would think that it was unfair for him to be directing his frustration outward, just so I could catch it, in other words, that he was purposely giving me his anger.
Tonight was a new story, he was stressed and it showed but I was able to empathize with him without getting overwhelmed by his emotions. I was able to stay completely neutral and could actually try and help him through the evening.
It was such a different (and welcome!) experience, that I actually cried tears of happiness. Not only was I not responsible for his frustrations, but I didn’t have to have them physically manifest in my body.
I finally feel a sense of freedom, like I can manage my Empathic gifts with work and probably boundaries. After many, many years, I feel truly happy.