The Growing Pains are Worth it

#choosingbeauty I will never tire of clouds.

 

I’ve been on a journey, perhaps a spiritual one, definitely a soulful one for the past 2 years. A lot of it has been hard.

I did not even know that I had numbed myself for 20 years. I used lots of different ways to numb myself, to get away from feelings – mine and the ones I could feel from other people. I did not understand why I felt everything so intensely, all I knew was that there was something wrong with me.

Waking myself back up has been both incredibly liberating and incredibly painful. Every emotion was overwhelming. Why did I feel other people’s anger and sadness in my bones? What do I do with all of this noise in my head?

I’ve had diagnoses like ADHD-PI, GAD, OCD and BED.  Finally some answers to what was wrong with me! But as I worked through the treatments, I didn’t seem to be “getting better”.

For the past year, I’ve been supported by therapists and coaches, who have helped me realize that maybe I wasn’t all of those labels, but that I was a HSP and an Empath. I learned that numbing is never the answer, stuff will always bubble up, even when you push it down for years. I felt raw, with my freshly exposed, emotional skin.

Now new patterns have replaced old ones. New thoughts help me be more loving and accepting of myself. Knowledge has strengthened me and continues to supply endorphins daily. I’ve been embraced by a new community of people just like me, which makes me tear up just thinking about it. There is nothing wrong with me, at all.

A noticeable shift happened a few nights ago, my husband came home late from work, hungry, tired and still had a ton of work still to do before a midnight deadline. In the past, this would have left me sucking in his frustrations and anger like a vacuum, feeling physically ill. I would be stressed and angry and not know where to direct it, so I would try and numb it with food, with checking out. I would think that it was unfair for him to be directing his frustration outward, just so I could catch it, in other words, that he was purposely giving me his anger.

Tonight was a new story, he was stressed and it showed but I was able to empathize with him without getting overwhelmed by his emotions. I was able to stay completely neutral and could actually try and help him through the evening.

It was such a different (and welcome!) experience, that I actually cried tears of happiness. Not only was I not responsible for his frustrations, but I didn’t have to have them physically manifest in my body.

I finally feel a sense of freedom, like I can manage my Empathic gifts with work and probably boundaries. After many, many years, I feel truly happy.

Comments

  1. Congratulations for making the shift. It takes time to learn how to manage such gifts!

    • Christie says:

      Thank you Marilyn, it sure does take time and I have a lot more to learn but so pleased I can now feel progress :)

  2. It’s so liberating when you learn how how to stay neutral when confronted with someone else’s negative emotions, whether at home or in the workplace. It’s taken me a long time but I can finally recognize that it’s not about me, that it’s their problem. And I’m much better off now with that knowledge.

    • Thanks for your comment Susan, you are right, it is not about us. These are the life skills they should be teaching in school! :)

  3. Wow, it sounds like we are on a similar journey. I recently realized how shut down I was for most of the last 20 years of my life as well and have been focused the past two years on shifting that. Not an easy task and yet so worth it! Good luck with your journey!

    • Thanks Michele, you as well. It is not easy, but we can do it so the next 20 years will be full of learning and growth :)

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